Hi y'all, it's been a while. The boards have been looking a touch dead lately and I have been busy, ah life. Now, we are tackling the last 20-someodd pages of this book in the wee hours of the morning, just after 3a.m. I am in a great mood having just finished the last episode of the wonderful series
Durarara!! and I think nothing will kill my mood, not even this shit. So, let's get this over with!
151-178
I will not rage, I will not rage, MY MOOD IS WONDERFUL
We left off with dear Jasper threatening to literally rip Bree to shreds if she so much as glares at him. She gets this urge to snarl and show her
fangs teeth at him but resists since that's just the thing he wants her to do so he can have some anger management. He suddenly orders her to close her eyes and follow the sound of his voice and she obeys, but only after thinking he's making her do it to kill her, ha. Paranoia, much?
He eventually leads her into the clearing (without making her run into anything, man :c where's the fun in that). In the clearing, she can see the sparkles through her eyelids or some crazy shit like that now that they're back in the sun. He orders her to sit down and she starts seething silently to herself. She comes to realize something - when Riley described how they'd be punished for misbehaving -
When I take you to her and hold you as she tears off your legs
and then slowly, slowly burns off your fingers, ears, lips, tongue, and every
other superfluous appendage one by one
- that is was a description of Diego's death. She realizes that his death was what had hardened Riley, because Diego was the most valuable of the coven to him. She gets macabre thoughts of Diego screaming stuck in her head and damn, now there's screaming in the field and Jasper snarls at her when she tries to open her eyes, only glimpsing purple smoke.
Really Smeyer,
purple smoke. I will never understand the reason for this. Well, at least my mood's still wonderful. C'mon, I can't be angry, not when Simon pulled out a Falcon Punch on that asshole in DRRR!! C:
Then some really twisted howling kicks up, and Bree can't help but wonder what sort of twisted face someone would have to make to create such a sound. Yeah, that makes as little sense as you'd think it would since facial expressions have little to do with what sounds you produce. It's all due to lips+tongue+vocal chords, baby. Anyway, this is the wolf pack if you couldn't assume, and the howling goes down from lots of voices to a single one, which causes Bree to think that was how Diego sounded while being maimed to death.
Morbid much? Yeah. Most people try to avoid thinking of that shit. I know I do ... except, you know, when I'm in my guro mindset? Ffft, whatever.
She hears Carlisle wanting to take a look at something and likens it to a dispute that he's losing, wtf. The yowl hitches up as he says a thank you and ... gah. Bree can hear heartbeats and heavy footsteps and wonders just what the fuck is going on here because there's some chomping sounds, most definitely.
SUDDENLY, hands clamp down on her ears from nowhere. She jumps and opens her eyes but Jasper's in full-blown creeper mode and all up in her grill with a glare and telling her to stop it. She complies, realizing they don't want her to see or hear what's going on right now. The yowling growling soon goes away Bree can't tell much of anything since her two main senses are cut off and shit and then she hears some talking about Bella and she wonders gosh, are they talkin' 'bout me cuz I ain't no Bella folks.
No kidding. You're far from being Kobe beef, Bree, no offense.
Jasper lets her open her eyes and she looks around, seeing him looking scared because of her. Hmm. She recalls that he said she was putting them in danger with the Volturi, and then observes that there's a loose line of people standing behind Jasper with their backs to her. She gets a mental image of Emmett ripping apart Raoul and feels oddly satisfied. You sadistic bitch.
She thinks Carlise is trying to piece together some small vampire, but as it clumsily gets to its feet, we all realize this is Ms. Kobe Beef. Thanks to a convenient breeze, Bree also realizes this and her mouth starts to water. I don't know how the fuck Bree realizes her name is Bella but let's just roll with it :/ She also tries to wrap her head around how this coven keeps a pet human and how Edward isn't nomming into her neck since it's right next to his mouth.
The Cullens run through the dialogue and Bree is really fighting the urge to do her own nomnoming on Bella because fuck that breeze! Still blowing Kobe beef smell right at her, dammit. Edward shoots her a glare since he's got that nifty mind-reading ability and all and she knows if she goes for it, he's gonna be all BITCH GTFO and whoop her ass into death.
So, Bree does the sensible thing to let out her frustration. She screams. Jasper snarls at her and she stabs her hands into the ground to try and get a grip ... haha Smeyer, haha. Oh you're just so
motherfuckin' hilarious.Carlise pops in and says she needs to fight the urge if she wants to live. She tries to wax poetic about how she does want to live but goddamn what's the point everyone's dead especially DIEGO, OH POOR DIEGO. Whatever. She tries to think happy thoughts but fails miserably.
Blah blah blah more shit blah blah ... ah. Bree notices Bella staring at her almost like she wants to ask a question and finds this odd. Yeah. We all found it odd too, until we learned that Kobe beef here has no self-preservation instinct and is truly one of the reasons why the gene pool is shit. See? Kobe beef = fitting name because she's just as unawares and stupid as those cows ... I'm sorry Kobe cows, that was cruel of me. You're smarter than that, I know.
The Cullens are all backing off a little and Bree contemplates making a run for it, thinking up some plans that are all stupid and full of failure. The Volturi pop in and she is frozen with fear. When Jane lands her eyes on Bree, she knows she's most likely fucked. She pieces together that the Volturi are the supreme lawmakers and the punishers of the vamp world.
Jane questions the Cullens, including asking who the newborns' creator was. Bree notes she's a skilled lier, better than Riley. I'm sorry, but this is one lie and that tells you nothing of her ability, idiot.
... still in my happy place. Think of the Falcon Punch girl, think of the Falcon Punch and the black eye and the --- aaah. Better.
Edward informs Jane that Victoria is dead using a nod of his head to the mountains. Apparently Victoria is special enough to warrant having
lilac smoke, fft. Bree is very pleased imaging what happened to her. She is also very happy when she hears Riley was killed too - she's satisfied that when she dies today, Diego will have been avenged. When Edward steps up as Victoria's killer, Bree decides he is awesome and that he is her friend just for that.
Jane turns to Bree and asks her name. Bree, figuring she's gonna die anyway, doesn't respond. Jane promptly goes sadist on her and makes her feel all burny and shit with that mind pain thing she has going for her. Jane asks again, and Bree is quick to respond this time but still gets more agony anyway because Jane's a hardcore gangsta like that. Edward pleads with her to stop, and she does.
Cue interrogation! Bree responds to everything with what she knows. Jane is pleased with the responses because there's nothing included about the Volturi's little visit with Victoria and Riley. Somewhere in there Bree hopes the "howlers" got Kristie's group and were really terrifying, because that ho's a bitch, yo.
A bit more dialogue allows Bree to realize that this entire scheme was Riley wanting them to kill Bella, with no care as to how many of them died in the fray. Bree realizes that Bella is immune to Jane's sadistic torture and wonders if this is why the Cullens keep her around and gosh, why haven't they turned her? Throughout this all Bree's been doing some inner thinking for the mind-reader of the group and with some talk from Eddiekins she realizes he's the mind-reader and has been listening to what she's been thinking.
Edward wants Bree to live. Carlisle agrees. Jane doesn't know whether to take this seriously or not and Bree figures that if she finds out this is a joke it'll be the best she's had a laugh at in a while. Bree knows her time is almost up despite this, but is happy she got to send out her thoughts on what two-faced bitches these Volturi are to Ed. She also gets the feeling that Jane really, really hates Alice like whoah.
Bree's only regret now is that she couldn't tell Fred about all of this. Jane orders Felix to take care of Jane, who sends Edward the thought "be nice to him" which I'm sure puzzled the poor boy. You could've at least told him to look for a Fred or something and given a quick description? Shit man, picture him, PICTURE HIM.
Ed tells her not to watch. She closes her eyes.
FIN
And that, dear Moonies, was
The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. Go pick up your virtual copy today if you're brave!
Now, tell me darlings. Do you want me to do this with any other books? I'd love to. Really, despite all the rage and frustration, this was fun. RECOMMENDATIONS, I TAKE THEM.
If not, assume more Smeyer works will be popping up. Non-
Twilight works, to be specific, because that's overdone these days, you know? But if you want me to, I'll do them, yes I will!
Poor Fred. What happens to Fred? Will we get a book on Fred? He was okay. I think. I couldn't really tell.
Actually, no book on Fred. He's too awesome to get a book that kills his character.
Phew, that took me an hour, not even gonna lie. I'm going to hit the sack now, with sweet sweet dreams of DRRR!! to accompany me, along with the hope of a continuation to the series someday for it was so open and wonderful :'D
Oh, also, I SAW THE A-TEAM TONIGHT IT WAS NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE WHOO.